Filters of Negativity

I am so grateful to you for revealing to me these truths.

So many people suffer along the spiritual path. It's a process of seeking... And with that comes breakdown.

We need our egos in order to survive. We need to understand what it is we identify with... And also, how we over-do it by too much thinking.

The ego is the guardian along a murky borderline of illusions... A place where jealousy, control, neediness, isolation, tyranny, oppression and paranoia are joined together by a long string of fault-finding.

Everyone deals with this on some level. Why this process is so exaggerated among those who struggle with mental illness is something else.

The more things are busted down, the more insecure someone becomes. And the soul goes through a dark night of extended pain, and limbo... Because when paranoia happens, the soul has lost its identity. The integrity of person's spirit and body has been crushed.

Actions and emotions like jealousy, control, neediness, isolation, anger, tyranny, oppression and paranoia are simply filters of negativity in the beginning. Something to pay attention to, and honor. It's not possible to change what is not acknowledged.

Such emotions are always signals to you, the one who is living the reality, to back down, regroup and recollect your self.

How Do I React When I Believe These Thoughts?

How do I react when I believe these thoughts?

I'm suspicious, and I hate it. I'm watching your body language, mostly. Words are ruthless and futile. I'm looking to see what's goin' on in your eyes. I'm looking into you.

People say they hate it, when I stare into them, stare them down... Some have told me, men especially, are shy. They don't like to be stared-down.

I don't believe any of it. I mean, men and women can be equally shy. So what?

I believe the eyes are the mirrors to the soul. I wanna look into your soul. I wanna SEE you, connecting your words and actions. And if that's not happening? I wanna know WHY. I want you to see me, too!

I know you've asked me to trust you... But it's not been in my nature to trust anyone, do you understand? Because I've been oppressed. Tyrannized; made to feel paranoid. Why should you or anyone be the exception? Especially when you're telling me I shouldn't think of you as my lover? (And you are not asking, you're telling me.) You're saying I shouldn't get excited about making "love" or call it "love"? If I believe that, then my reaction to that belief is, I think it's bullshit.

I did ask you to teach me what it was you needed, didn't I.

I understand that now; but hey! People react to things - like need. It's the reason why they can't mind their own business. I know that now. I know we can get more free, by questioning some of the things we believe.

What's ironic is, now there's a reverse kind of sexism going on in the world. I've heard about this. About, women getting out of the military, and how put-off they feel by getting involved with "civilians" - men especially. These women from the military told me all about it; how "civilian" men think things like sex and love are synonymous, when, these women are just wanting to get laid. It's easier to go to a bar, I was told. At least, people who are getting drunk in a bar know love has nothing to do with it. So if you go to a bar, it's possible to pick someone up and go home and have crazy animal sex without any consequences like "love".


Help!

How do I react when I believe these thoughts?! I cry out to God for help!!

I cry. Because it feels like this sort of thinking attempts to kill something inside of me.

I cry out to you.

Can I Absolutely Know It's True?

You can be a Beast, with fangs. For the most part, I like it. Do I really believe this is true? Do I absolutely know it's true? No. Because I've looked into your heart and sense there's not enough love in the world to go around for you... And that's a good thing. (It's the common pain we share.)


I like the idea of us, coming to one another hopeless. It frees us up of the tripping... Even if it feels frightening. We've talked thousand times for a thousand lifetimes... We should know we're safe with with each other!! It's the fault-finding, the paranoia that are poisons to truth-seekers. We have what it takes to work it out!

Life is unconditional love. Evolution comes in giving ourselves permission to close-down the "gates", open our hearts. Sure, it's god-damned painful! At a core level, there's something twisted with those who need to use others as a technique of personal growth.

Is It True?

My mother is a bear...


No, it's not true; my mother is not a bear. She's a human being who continues to be deeply wounded, because she was abused as a child. Like many men and women I know... But with people, there is always a certain amount of denial. And with that, projection of abuse. So in my mind, it becomes a bearish, animalistic thing I don't always understand.

As a child, you learn to extend your energy beyond your body in order to "read" and predict the energy of another (also known as empathy). Not a good thing. It can make for a continuous identity crisis if you are never taught or encouraged to individuate... If no one has ever told you it's ok to love yourself, or shown you that all the real love you need comes from within.

There is a certain amount of paranoia that comes with being empathic. Many people live with it, not knowing this is the reason some are calling the New Millennium "The Age of Anxiety". Something we have inherited from the Baby-Boomers and bearish people who have been taught that life is "disposable", a throw-away.

Is it true, that my mother is a bear? No. It's not true, but I am also beyond caring because it has taken over 45 years for me to figure out the truth, and who I would be without this belief.