The Ritual of Not Letting His Heart Be Carried Off

My heart, my mother. My heart, my mother. My heart of my becoming. My heart dreams in the house of hearts. My heart sleeps in the house of hearts. My heart ticks in my chest like a beetle. The night waits, still I hear its beating. It resonates like a bow string of an archer. It hums like the string of a lyre.

Love. Love. Give me love, sibilant love, thundering love!

It is myself that speaks to my heart, my ka, my double.

The heart leaps and answers to its name. It's words are the deeds of my body. It's deed have been my own thoughts, its blood the fluid of gods, river of joy and sadness. My heart leaps like a fish in water.

Do not carry off my heart. Do not cut me from my heart.

-The Egyptian Book of the Dead
Normandy Ellis, p.118

Coming Forth by Day

Coming Forth by Day

Oh spirits
that guide a man through
the dark halls at death,
guide me safely in life
past sorrow and depression,
steer me from fear and anger
and hopelessness.
Let me always know the reason
for my becoming.

Let me hear what gods hear,
see what gods see.
When the sun is blotted from the sky,
let even a small light shine
to steer a man's feet.
Let me stand in light,
bathe in light, clothe myself in light.

Let me sit
in the lap of gods
and hear words of comfort.
Oh offerers
of cake and bearers of beer,
let me not starve for love,
or thirst for wisdom.


Let my spirit be stronger today
than it was yesterday,
my heart more gentle.
Let gods touch my face.
Let me go forth shining.
Let my feet know the way.
Let me walk and pass through fire.
Let wild beasts and thieves by the roadside
go on sleeping pleasant dreams.
Let me pass undeterred
into heaven.

Awaking Osiris
pg 62:2
Translation by Normandy Ellis
from the Egyptian Book of the Dead

I am Love and Memory and Sorrow That Drift Away

I am Love and Memory and Sorrow that Drift Away

I am air and flame, water and dust.
I am a wick burning in a blue bowl of oil,
a fiery rising in a tranquil sky.
I am the phoenix. I am light.
I come forth by day. I am heat burning up in mist.
I am power, an ancient river overflowing.
I am love and memory and sorrow that drift away.
- The Egyptian Book of the Dead

Michael Jackson Burial; When Nature Wants a Man

When Nature wants a Man

When nature wants to drill a man
And thrill a man,
And skill a man,
When Nature wants to mould a man
To play the noblest part;
When she yearns with all her heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall praise - -

Watch her method, watch her ways!
How she ruthlessly perfects
Whom she royally elects;
How she hammers him and hurts him
And with mighty blows converts him
Into trial shapes of clay
which only Nature understands--

While his tortured heart is crying
and he lifts beseeching hands!
How she bends, but never breaks,
When his good she undertakes...
How she uses whom she chooses
And with every purpose fuses him,
By every art induces him
To try his splendor out - -
Nature knows what she's about.

When Nature wants to take a man
And shake a man
And wake a man;
When Nature wants to make a man
To do the Future's will;

When she tries with all her skill
And she yearns with all her soul
To create him large and whole...
With what cunning she prepares him!

How she goads and never spares him,
How she whets him and she frets him
And in poverty begets him....
How she often disappoints
Whom she sacredly anoints,
With what wisdom she will hide him,
Never minding what betide him
Though his genius sob with slighting
and his pride may not forget!
Bids him struggle harder yet.
Makes him lonely
So that only
God's high messages shall reach him
So that she may surely teach him
What the Hierarchy planned.

Though he may not understand
Gives him passions to command--
How remorselessly she spurs him,
With terrific ardor stirs him
When she poignantly prefers him!

When Nature wants to name a man
And fame a man
And tame a man;
When Nature wants to shame a man

To do his heavenly best...

When she tries the highest test
That her reckoning may bring - -
When she wants a god or king! - -
How she reins him and restrains him
So his body scarce contains him
While she fires him
And inspires him!
Keeps him yearning, ever burning
for a tantalizing goal - -
Lures and lacerates his soul.
Sets a challenge for his spirit,
Draws it higher when he's near it - -
Makes a jungle, that he clear it;
Makes a desert, that he fears it
And subdue it if he can - -

So doth Nature make a man.

Then, to test his spirit's wrath
Hurls a mountain in his path--
Puts a bitter choice before him
And relentless stands o'er him.
"Climb, or perish!" so she says....
Watch her purpose, watch her ways!

Nature's plan is wondrous kind
Could we understand her mind...
Fools are they who call her blind.

When his feet are torn and bleeding
Yet his spirit mounts unheeding,
All his higher powers speeding
Blazing newer paths and fine;
When the force that is divine
Leaps to challenge every failure
and his ardor still is sweet
And love and hope are burning
in the presence of defeat...

Lo, the crisis! Lo, the shout
That must call the leader out.
When the people need salvation
Doth he come to lead the nation....
Then doth Nature show her plan
When the world has found - - a man!

- Angela Morgan

Michael Jackson, Addict, Got What He WantedDr. Kevorkian: Michael Jackson "Got What He Wanted"

Dr. Kevorkian: Michael Jackson "Got What He Wanted" September 3, 2009

Dr. Jack Kevorkian defended Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray, who is the sole target of the investigation into the late pop star's death by injection.

On Wednesday the now-paroled Kevorkian, 81, told Neil Cavuto, "I don't think he was malicious. Murder is defined as miles of forethought... Did the doctor have forethought? I doubt it."

Murray says he injected Jackson with heavy sedatives including the anesthetic propofol at the singer's request.

"Maybe Jackson craved these things so much he pestered the doctor until he got it." Kevorkian added, "The patient got what he wanted. He is the one who said yes or no to take a drug."


Commentary: 'Michael Jackson was a drug addict'

* Story Highlights
* James Walker: Coroner's preliminary finding shows Jackson died of an overdose
* He says he's one of Jackson's many millions of fans
* He says it's painful to admit Jackson was addicted to drugs
* Walker: Let's stop avoiding the reality of drug addiction in our society

September 2, 2009 -- Updated 2053 GMT (0453 HKT)

By James L. Walker Jr.
Special to CNN

Editor's note: James L. Walker, Jr., author of the book, "This Business of Urban Music," is a sports and entertainment lawyer whose firm, Walker & Associates, is based in Stamford, Connecticut. James L. Walker Jr. says the evidence shows Michael Jackson was addicted to drugs.

James L. Walker Jr. says the evidence shows Michael Jackson was addicted to drugs.

(CNN) -- Michael Jackson died of an overdose, according to the preliminary finding of the Los Angeles coroner described in court documents. The King of Pop apparently was given a variety of drugs that included the powerful sedative propofol, according to authorities.

The news came as a shock to some. But the reality it pointed to was this: Michael Jackson was an addict.

A drug addict is a person who has become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance or drug.

I operate a halfway house and we deal with this struggle regularly with our men, who have become addicts, and they continually tell me how hard it is to overcome. They also tell me that people are vulnerable to addiction whether white or black, rich or poor: Drugs don't discriminate.

I am also an entertainment lawyer who understands the pressures of working in the music industry and the experience of insomnia that Jackson apparently complained about over the years.

And, of course, like millions of others, I am a huge Jackson fan and I own all the records and CDs and had THE jacket (from the "Beat It" video). And, I can sympathize with his sad life, legal problems, personal struggles, family issues and financial meltdown.

But, while I sing his songs regularly and imitate his dance moves, when the laughter and joy stops, it hurts me to admit the reality: Michael Jackson was a drug addict who didn't need to be the center of another musical tour, but needed to be the star patient at a treatment center.

For years, we have heard reports of Michael Jackson being addicted to painkillers and other things.

However, in our society, we tend to overlook that when it's a big name celebrity or someone we love in our circle of family and friends. Celebrities drop in and out of rehabilitation centers and drug abuse facilities nationwide. And, their lives go on and it's merely a passing footnote on the TV ticker running across the bottom of the screen.

With Jackson's tragic death at the young age of 50, hopefully some folks will wake up.

The National Institute on Drug Abuse reports that in the year prior to being surveyed in 2006, 560,000 Americans age 12 and older abused heroin at least once; more than 16 million Americans took prescription pain reliever, tranquilizer, stimulant, or sedative for nonmedical purposes; 6 million abused cocaine in any form; and 1.5 million abused crack.

In the case of Jackson, there is a lot of finger pointing at Dr. Conrad Murray and several other doctors, who may or may not be charged.

But, while we mourn the Motown legend and the tragedy of his life and death, it is important to note that this sad story sheds light on a much bigger problem in America: drug abuse.

Author Deepak Chopra, a friend of Jackson, has been telling us for weeks now on national TV outlets that Jackson had a drug problem.

"Dr. Murray is the one who is going to be blamed because he injected the drug, but from what I've learned he did not prescribe the drug," Chopra told CNN in reminding investigators to look deeper and further than Dr. Murray.

Like Chopra, I hope investigators will go deeper, but I hope we will go deeper as a society.

Jackson sold hundreds of millions of records, including the top selling album of all time, "Thriller." With his death, we can reach and teach billions of the dangers of drug use. Unfortunately, he joins a long list of major artists who have seen superstar careers end by the mortal reality that drug addiction can kill you.

It hurts us to talk about Jackson's drug addiction or drug problems, as it hurts us to look at a near-century of great artists struggling with drug issues and in some cases dying at the hands of drugs -- from jazz legend Billie Holiday's drug problem to Marilyn Monroe's overdose to singer Dorothy Dandridge's death from anti-depressants.

Elvis Presley's death brought to public light his prescription drug addiction. And, we saw in recent years Kurt Cobain's heroin-induced suicide death, and the 2004 death of Rick James, who wrote "Superfreak," from a drug-related heart attack.

Too often these stories don't prompt substantial national outrage and we fail to break the stereotypical picture of what we think of when we hear the words "drug addict."

Police and prosecutors are still mum on whether Jackson's death will result in criminal charges. It is not clear who is at fault. But no one is disputing that Jackson asked for these drugs repeatedly over the years, like most drug addicts, and had a sickness that afflicts millions of other Americans.

So, let the legal system play out, but let's stop avoiding what hurts the most, so we can save millions of other drug addicts from this horrible nightmare and other families from the pain the Jackson family will now live with forever.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of James L. Walker, Jr.

A Question of Self-Worth - Michael Jackson

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I'm very sad to think Michael Jackson could not have ever been free enough to be himself.

Michael, age 18

This is a great risk any person takes when it comes to celebrity. It would be easy to become trapped in a public role, or expectation in being a public figure, where you are not treated as anything more than a commodity. I feel this is what the value system of the Jackson family is all about; it's "normal". It's important to pay attention to what people DO, not what they say! The Jackson family has always been about "doing it" for the money. Michael never really knew or understood how to get around it. He was pressured all of his life to be it.

Michael, age 49

He was searching for himself in things... (Including seeing women and children as "things" to be objectified. If he really cared, he would have tried harder to be healthy and keep living... But he was noted to be dismissive of kids once they became a certain age; and of women, if they needed him to act like a man.)

Michael was into quick-fixes like purchases, surgeries, and altering his facial features and skin as a way to act-out against his father. His preoccupation with kids was derived from having his own sexuality being stifled by his mother's religious beliefs.

Was he a victim? Yes, I think so.

He was trapped in a role... Therefore, he was a master of what he was able to do on stage, but the moment he got off stage, he was infantile. He was able to get away with that, and no one ever dared called him on it, or they would be cut-off.

He was in charge of his art form, but he was not in control of himself. And I think this is the crux of what lead to his "dangerous" existence: sadly, he was more "dangerous" to himself than anyone else.

I'm also very sad because I think Michael could have gotten some help. He was a smart guy, ingenious in many ways... But given the constraints of his beliefs and his values, he got away with all kinds things by just paying people off. So it was inevitable he became surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. He stopped paying attention... When people do not share your values and beliefs, they can trick you into a relationship you might not want. Michael was just used to buying people, you know?

Let me just repeat, it was inevitable he became surrounded by the wrong kinds of people. I think he knew what was happening, intuitively. He tells his story in the lyrics to his songs and videos. He just didn't know how to help himself. He wasn't able to trust anyone. He did not even trust himself.

During the most stressful times of his life, when he should have been held accountable for his actions, he turned to doctors. I've seen this happen to many people who were not in control of their lives; they either turned to recreational drug and alcohol abuse (as Michael did, allegedly), or surrender all their power over to pain meds and doctors.

Doctors are trained to coach their patients into accepting that they are the ones in control.

Stir a drug dependency into the mix, and it's very easy for a patient to lose his or her willpower.

I think Michael began to feel powerless in his relationships with people. He was able to control them with his money and prestige, but only up to a point. In fact, kids would get bored with him. So I believe his next course of action was to take his personal fixations with his looks and surgery and turn it all into a sort of hypochondria and illness.

Michael never knew what it was to be loved unconditionally. I have mentioned this earlier in my blog here; but I want to be specific in pointing out how, being sick is a way to put gravity into a situation, and get love and affection. Even if you have to pay a doctor for that attention.

Michael never had it in himself to uphold his own self-worth. Like everything else, he saw himself as a thing... A human doing, not a human-being.

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Did Hyochondria Get the Worst of Michael Jackson?

It's no secret Michael Jackson was ill. I just wonder if hypochondria got the worst of him? I believe he gave his doctors WAY too much power-over his life.

Today I perused the web just to track down some records of what was speculated about his condition, starting with the list of medications he was using:

Jackson: Death ruled a Homicide.
By Lorena Blas, USA TODAY
August 31, 2009
Fans and family marked Michael Jackson's 51st birthday Saturday as the inquiry into the singer's death officially became a homicide investigation.

On Friday, the Los Angeles County coroner's office announced that Jackson's death June 25 was a homicide. The specific cause of death was "acute propofol intoxication."

The Associated Press had reported last Monday that the death was a homicide. The coroner's report, parts of which were released Friday, said other sedatives contributed to the death, including lorazepam, sold under the brand name Ativan. Other drugs detected in the singer's body were midazolam, diazepam, lidocaine and ephedrine. The coroner's office said the full report was not released at the request of the Los Angeles Police Department, which is still investigating the case.

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Virtually bald, face a mass of plastic surgery scars; bridge to nose had vanished and right side caved in. Several ribs broken, four injection sites aimed at the heart; stomach only filled with partially-dissolved pills; severely emaciated.

Recent skin cancer surgery, unexplained bruising on knees and shins; bruises and mild cuts to his back, and injection marks over much of the body.

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Hollywood Grind Michael Jackson May be Seriously Ill Again Posted on February 12, 2009 at 11:19 am(PST)

There have been a lot of rumors floating around for years that Michael Jackson is seriously ill, and it’s not hard to believe since he is always look frail with his surgical masks, and frequent visits to the doctor. In the photo above Michael was visiting another doctor, who probably gave him surgical mask and hair net to leave with.

Concern has been raised by the look of Michael’s hands. They look really scary. Like some fake Halloween hand, but it’s his real hand.

Now we are hearing rumors that Michael has a very serious Staphylococcus aureus bacterial infection, often referred to as "staph." Human skin has staph on it all the time, but a cut can get infected with staph if not cared for properly, and an immuno compromised person is more likely to get such an infection. Staph can also infect the lungs with Staph pneumonia, but rumors say Michael may have a skin infection, and not a standard Staph infection, but rather a sometimes deadly MRSA infection. MRSA stands for methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus. We are hearing Michael is getting powerful antibiotics intravenously, which would mean it’s very serious.

Get well soon Michael, if you’re really sick.

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IF you're really sick? What happened to this guy...? From what I can tell, the intensive bleaching of his skin was what may have compromised Michael's immune system. And who knows when that began? More on this below...

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Report: Michael Jackson Suffering From Potentially Fatal Health Issues Sunday, December 21, 2008 |
FoxNews.com
Michael Jackson is reportedly in desperate need of an emergency transplant operation to save his life from a rare lung condition, according to the author of a new biography of the singer.

Best-selling author Ian Halperin has completed a book about Jackson’s life, which claims that the pop icon, 50, suffers from Alpha-1 antitrypsin deficiency, a potentially fatal genetic illness, as well as emphysema and gastrointestinal bleeding.

“He’s had it for years, but it’s gotten worse,” Halperin told In Touch magazine.

“He needs a lung transplant but may be too weak to go through with it … [But] it’s the [gastrointestinal] bleeding that is the most problematic part. It could kill him.” Halperin also claims that the “Thriller” and “Bad” singer can barely speak and is 95-percent blind in his left eye.

Earlier this year, Jackson was photographed in a wheelchair. A few weeks ago, he was spotted receiving help walking, while wearing a Zorro style mask.

Jackson’s rep was not available for comment.

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It is evident Michael's immune system was compromised. If he was indeed going blind in his left eye, this might have been a signal of a heart condition (the left eye being above his heart, and being affected by blocked bloodflow from the heart). The left side of his body might have begun the process of shutting down as evidently early as last December, 2008. Essentially, with the sorts of drugs being prescribed for Michael, his nervous system was being systematically shut down. As I may have mentioned earlier in this blog, he could have ended up completely brain-dead and in a coma.

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Jacko's Nanny in Hiding
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
FoxNews.com
By Roger Friedman

Michael Jackson isn’t the only one from his camp trying to avoid testifying in England.

His kids’ nanny, Grace Rwamba, has skipped the US to tour India, friends in Los Angeles say. Grace, to paraphrase John Cusack, is gone.

And I as I reported first here yesterday, Jackson refuses to come to England because he’s claiming sickness. In fact, Jackson has told his lawyer to tell the British court that he has a skin disease that’s preventing him from traveling.

But of course Jackson has always said he has the skin disease Vitiligo, causing him to lose melanin from his pigmentation. He’s always said that’s the reason he’s turned white over the years. It was, however, revealed here a couple of years ago that Jackson uses a whitening cream made with acids and created by the Mickey Fine Pharmacy in Beverly Hills. That came out when he failed to pay his bill there. Jackson’s "skin disease" hasn’t stopped him in the past two years from traveling all over the middle East, to Japan, to Las Vegas, and Ireland. The notion that Jackson is too sick to travel is absolutely laughable at this point.

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I have a hard time believing this is vitiligo... It is absolutely absurd, and what's even more odd is how Michael seemed to be the only person in his family affected by this condition. If the skin bleaching creams contained acid, and if indeed he was using these skin creams several times a day for several years - just imagine what those acids were doing to his internal organs!

From his photo you can see how Michael's fingers were NOT bleached, lending to a dead-like look in his hands. Walking around with a stomach full of pills, and no real nutritional sustenance in his body left it an open catalyst for a staph infection. Numerous surgeries to his nose may have created lent to a breathing or lung disorder and further disease.

When I first started reading up on Michael's condition last March, I found reports where surgeries were being done earlier this year to graft skin from his ear onto his nose...

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Well - as an added interest - I found this to be an ironic and funny header - - even Jackson's lawyer becomes sick! Interesting to see how this conundrum of illnesses hit big-time, all during the second child molestation trial in 2005.

Now Jackson Lawyer Sick
March 24, 2005 - 11:08AM

Brian Oxman, one of Michael Jackson's lawyers, is wheeled from the courtroom on a stretcher.


One of US pop singer Michael Jackson's lawyers was in hospital today after being taken ill in court in California at the singer's child sex trial.

Lawyer Brian Oxman became ill just after today's hearing, during which the court was shown pornographic magazines seized from Jackson's home, came to an end.

The lawyer had to be helped from the courtroom before being carried on a stretcher to a waiting ambulance.

The drama came just two days after Oxman's famous client starred in his own courtroom medical emergency when he turned up looking pained and accompanied by a doctor in hospital scrubs.

Jackson's publicist said later he was suffering "excruciating" back pain after a fall less than two weeks ago and was under medical treatment.

Earlier the judge denied a bid by prosecutors to show jurors evidence - including teen porn - seized from Neverland Valley Ranch.

Prosecutors said the four hard drives from the 14 computers police seized from a November 2003 raid on Jackson's estate showed the pop star was a practised web surfer who looked at teen-themed porn sites as well as sites related to Walt Disney, toys and photographs of adoptable children.

Jackson's accuser, now 15, has told jurors in the trial that the 46-year-old pop star showed him and his brother pornographic Websites during their first visit to Neverland.

Santa Barbara County Deputy District Attorney Gordon Auchincloss called the computer evidence "powerful corroboration" of that testimony by Jackson's accuser.

"This is important evidence that this defendant views teen erotic materials in his bedroom," Auchincloss said.

But in a setback for prosecutors, Santa Barbara County Superior Court Judge Rodney Melville said he would not let the material be introduced at trial.

Defence lawyers had argued that much of the material was not from February and March of 2003, the period during which Jackson is accused of sexually molesting the then-13-year-old boy and plying him with alcohol.

They also said the pornographic material in question was heterosexual, featuring girls or women, and that much of it had been automatically cached by the computers, meaning it was not clear that Jackson had retrieved it or seen it.

"The court will grant the defense motion not to allow," the material, Melville said. "It does appear to be cached material.

There's no way of knowing if anyone looked at it or not."

Prosecutors unsuccessfully argued that evidence linked Jackson to the computers, including recovered aliases for instant messaging services - BigMike and King777Tut - that they suggested the pop star had used online.

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