Swim in This...

Swim in This...
It's bad enough
I've had people kicking my ass all my life;
I would have to pick up where they leave off.
I would start kicking my own ass, you know,
24/7?
as I swim in this.

I sometimes forget
I should be more compassionate
especially for myself,
feel less sorry
for myself,
let go of the need to control.
I'm not perfect! Sometimes I'm wrong!
When you've spent your entire life in chaos
you find yourself having a helluva time
making decisions, standing up for yourself,
saying no... especially if you're afraid.
It's harder but easier to just keep kicking!
It's like a kind of traumatic-shock-syndrome.
It makes you dizzy with no orientation -
you just keep swimming 'round and around,
kicking your own ass
where others left off.
Some people learn to float.
Some are hangers-on and will take you down
using you to rest their hydrogenated fats on...
You are a buoy for their own lack of resistance.
Do you see so many people eking out that existence?
Going home alone every night?
Never being held, touched, caressed or hugged, even in marriage?
It is like they lost something.
So I find myself being single, doing the best I can, dammit!
At least I keep my head
above water!