How do I react when I believe these thoughts?
I'm suspicious, and I hate it. I'm watching your body language, mostly. Words are ruthless and futile. I'm looking to see what's goin' on in your eyes. I'm looking into you.
People say they hate it, when I stare into them, stare them down... Some have told me, men especially, are shy. They don't like to be stared-down.
I don't believe any of it. I mean, men and women can be equally shy. So what?
I believe the eyes are the mirrors to the soul. I wanna look into your soul. I wanna SEE you, connecting your words and actions. And if that's not happening? I wanna know WHY. I want you to see me, too!
I know you've asked me to trust you... But it's not been in my nature to trust anyone, do you understand? Because I've been oppressed. Tyrannized; made to feel paranoid. Why should you or anyone be the exception? Especially when you're telling me I shouldn't think of you as my lover? (And you are not asking, you're telling me.) You're saying I shouldn't get excited about making "love" or call it "love"? If I believe that, then my reaction to that belief is, I think it's bullshit.
I did ask you to teach me what it was you needed, didn't I.
I understand that now; but hey! People react to things - like need. It's the reason why they can't mind their own business. I know that now. I know we can get more free, by questioning some of the things we believe.
What's ironic is, now there's a reverse kind of sexism going on in the world. I've heard about this. About, women getting out of the military, and how put-off they feel by getting involved with "civilians" - men especially. These women from the military told me all about it; how "civilian" men think things like sex and love are synonymous, when, these women are just wanting to get laid. It's easier to go to a bar, I was told. At least, people who are getting drunk in a bar know love has nothing to do with it. So if you go to a bar, it's possible to pick someone up and go home and have crazy animal sex without any consequences like "love".
How do I react when I believe these thoughts?! I cry out to God for help!!
I cry. Because it feels like this sort of thinking attempts to kill something inside of me.
I cry out to you.